


Butterfly Net

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: One Shot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-18
Updated: 2005-12-18
Packaged: 2019-01-19 23:35:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12420531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Sirius contemplates his relationship with Lily, while James tortures himself over it. Songfic to Counting Crows' "Anna Begins".





	Butterfly Net

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

Disclaimer: This story is inspired by J.K.Rowling's Harry Potter books, and the Counting Crows' song "Anna Begins". This is for pure entertainment. I gain no profit besides a boosted ego from reviews. 

Butterfly Net  
Based on the song "Anna Begins", by Counting Crows. 

My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."  
I am not worried. I am not overly concerned.

« It's all or nothing, Sirius, » said James, from his sprawled position at the foot of the beech tree he and his best friend, Sirius, had claimed for their own that afternoon. It was a lazy Friday afternoon in late spring, and you could sit outside comfortably with a good sweater on already.   
« It's not that big of a deal. » Sirius replied, with an air that suggested he was only trying to be casual. « Lily won't mind, she knew when I asked her out that it wasn't going to last, anyways. »   
« Sirius ... »  
« What ? » Sirius asked sharply.   
« You sound like your trying to convince yourself, not me. » James remarked running a hand through his already toussled black hair. Sirius narrowed his eyes at him, but soon slumped back onto the grass, and stared up at the grey-blue sky.   
« I don't know anymore. I mean ...Lily... she's not like the others. I mean, you know that, but... there's just something... she just makes me question things, I guess. » James turned his face away from Sirius a moment to hide a slightly pained expression. 

My friend implores me, "For one time only,  
make an exception." I am not worried.

« Then maybe it's time you made an exception. » James said slowly, almost painfully. Sirius signed, but didn't seem to notice James' tone.   
« I don't know... » They lay there a moment, each contemplating the situation. The sun had retreated behind the forbidden forest when James finally got up.   
« Just... don't hurt her, Sirius. » 

Wrap her up in a package of lies  
Send her off to a coconut island

« Hey. » Lily said as she took the place next to Sirius on a couch in front of the common room fire. She snuggled closer, and he draped an arm around her shoulders, resting his chin on her head. He continued staring at the fire, his thoughts further complicated by the presence of the very person he'd been thinking about.   
« You okay ? » she asked.  
« Yeah, I'm fine. Why do you ask ? » She sat up a little as he leaned back to be able to see her face, and she chuckled.   
« It's a rare moment when Sirius Black is seen in a contemplative mood. What are you thinking about ? » He smiled a little at the way she tilted her head when she asked him a question. 

I am not worried I am not overly concerned  
with the status of my emotions

« Oh... this and that... » She raised an eyebrow at the vague reply, repositioned herself on the couch so that she towered over him, put her hands on her hips and stared him down.   
« Sirius Black, are you being vague with me ? »She said sternly, in her best imitation of McGonagall. He laughed, and pulled her down, and she snuggled against him again.   
« Sorry, I just think this is something I have to figure out myself. »   
« You sure ? »  
« Positive. »  
« Can you at least give me a vague idea ? You're worrying me. »

"Oh," she says, "you're changing."  
But we're always changing

« Don't. It's just that... something I thought would always be the same changed, and I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's rather confusing. That's about the best I can do for now. Sorry. » She laughed.   
« It's alright. Though I admit to being curious. I don't think I've ever seen you confused, not counting the fake I-don't-know-what-you're-talking-about faces you give McGonagall when she accuses you of something. You must be changing. »   
« But I really didn't know what she was talking about last time ! » he cried in mock-indignance. She laughed.   
« That's right, keep telling yourself that. » She sat up properly, and ruffled his hair.   
« I've got to go help Marlene with that matrix problem for Arithmancy. She's been whining about it all week. » She leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. « See you later. » He smiled, and waved as she wound her way across the room to join her friends, who were sitting around a table, battling through a series of complicated-looking number charts. She smiled back at him, and he wondered if maybe James was right about this. 

It does not bother me to say this isn't love

Leaning back against the couch, he sighed. Why is this so complicated? He murmured to himself. He didn't know. When he'd asked her out a month ago, he hadn't expected it to come to this. He'd thought it would be one of those "you're great but not for me" situations. But Lily had this little trick of surprising you, of making you notice everything that's wrong and wanting to change it. He'd never felt guilty about his relationship with girls, he'd always found reasons to justify breaking it off with every single one of them. But he couldn't justify Lily. 

Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love

Of course, James had warned him, hadn't he? He'd said that it wouldn't be the same with Lily. And he'd been right. He should have known, after all James knew a lot more about pursuing Lily Evans than he did, he'd been trying for three years. Lily, unfortunately, hadn't been too fond of James at the time. All the same, it had come as something of a shock when he'd declared at the beginning of 6th year that he was over her. But that was James for you-you never could quite tell what he was thinking. Now the two switched between arguing over trivial things and having these odd conversations that left the two of them very pensive. Sirius had once asked her about it, and all she'd said was that James was unpredictable. Sirius had a tendency to agree.   
But he wasn't like James, he wasn't dedicated like James. Besides, if he really cared about Lily that much, why didn't he say so? He hadn't wanted to talk to her about it, and she hadn't questioned him. 

And I guess I'm going to have to live with that  
But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,  
Something in between,

Maybe he was overreacting, they weren't that close after all. He'd find a way to compromise. Hey, if he could master Animagus transformations, he could figure this out. Right? Right. 

And I can always change my name  
If that's what you mean

~*~*~

My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."  
But I am not really worried I am not overly concerned

« All or nothing... what the hell was I talking about ? » muttered a disgruntled James, as he collapsed onto his four poster bed, letting out a sigh that would have had his grandmother clucking old French proverbs. It was Saturday afternoon, the day after he'd spoken to Sirius under the tree by the lake, and James was moping. He sighed again. Coeur qui soupire n'a pas ce qu'il désire. « I won't win either way. » He mumbled.   
His hand slipped inadvertently under his pillow, and pulled out a thin, paperback book. The corners of the pages were curved and blunt, the binding crinkled and bent from re-reading. It was a book of poems, Muggle song lyrics mostly, that Lily had given to him for Christmas, a few days after a particularly odd conversation on philosophy. The entire thing had been handwritten by Lily with a muggle pen.   
He loved it. He'd read each verse a thousand times over until he could rehearse every single line, and he'd memorised every curve of her handwriting on the note she'd written inside the cover. He trailed his fingertips along the pen marks, murmuring the words aloud for the thousandth time, trying once again to find some hidden meaning he hadn't caught before. « You told me you didn't have the words for the things you wanted to say. Here's some words for you to think on. Lily. »

You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself  
To make yourself forget ; To make yourself forget  
I am not worried.

Sometimes he tried to convince himself that he couldn't possibly love her as much as he thought he did, that he really didn't know her that well, and that she got along better with Sirius anyways. He was more lively, more outgoing that he was these days, they were better together.   
Such thoughts had an odd habit of being interrupted by Lily entering a room, Lily laughing, Lily glancing at him, Lily, Lily, Lily...   
It drove him nuts. And now Sirius was asking him for advice on all this. Half the time he wanted to strangle Sirius and tell him to get the hell away from Lily, but he knew he didn't have that right. He had no claim over Lily, and Sirius was his best friend. He didn't know whether he wanted him to break it off with her so that at least he could continue secretly admiring her in peace (not that that was particularly satisfactory in any case) or if he wanted them to stay together since they seemed so happy about it. 

"If it's love," she said, "then we're going to have to   
think about the consequences."

And what about Lily ? Did she really like Sirius ? The question had gnawed at him so much that he'd blurted it out to her when they'd been paired up in Potions. She'd arched her eyebrow, and hadn't answered right away. She'd looked like she was going to retort and start an argument, but she hadn't.   
« I suppose I do. »   
« And what is that supposed to mean ? »  
« It means I'm not going to give you a straight answer. »   
«Why not ? » The look she'd given him then had been calculating, and intense. It had sent shivers down his spine. When she opened her mouth, he knew that whatever she told him, it would be the truth. She would give half-answers, vague remarks or reply with a question, but she was always as honest with him as she was with herself.   
« Because that's all I'm sure I know the words to. » The hesitant look in her eyes made him daring.   
« You're afraid. » Her eyes flashed with indignance.   
« Not at all ! »  
« It didn't say you weren't brave. » She gave him her dark, calculating look again, and sighed.   
« I just... have to think about the consequences before I give anything a name. You can't just throw words around. They lose their meaning. »   
This, of course, hadn't helped him much. Lily had a way of saying things that made you think about them a long time afterwards without getting any real answers. He loved it and hated it all at once–he wasn't any closer to knowing what to do about any of this. 

She can't stop shaking I can't stop touching her and...

This time when kindness falls like rain  
It washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind

The rain pattering against the window woke him from his reverie, and sat up to look outside. The world outside was grey and dull, the rain coming down slowly but steadily, promising a rather gloomy afternoon. His seeker eyes caught a glimpse of a figure darting out the entrance into the rain. He peered curiously out, but couldn't make out who it was. In need of a distraction, he got up and trudged down to the entrance to see who it was.   
From the front steps, he could make out a girl, in a muggle shirt and skirt, her head tilted to the sky. She was getting thoroughly soaked, and didn't seem to care.   
« Hey ! » he called out. She didn't hear him above the sound of the rain. « Hey ! » He called out louder this time. The girl tilted her head to the side to get a look at him, and his breath caught in his throat as he recognized her.   
« Lily ! » He took a breath and jogged into the rain. « What are you doing out here ? » She turned completely to look at him, and shrugged.   
« The rain clears my head. » He sighed in exasperation.   
« Well, you'll catch a cold if you don't get back in soon. » She tilted her head to the side, and small, mischievous smile starting on her face.   
« I'm sorry, did James Potter just tell me to do something responsible ? » He gave her a good-natured smile.  
« I believe he did. » He extended his hand to her, indicated her to follow him back. She gave him an all out grin, and snatched both his hands.   
« What are you–woah ! » She dragged him into twirling with her, and she laughed her beautiful laugh every time he stumbled.   
« Never danced in the rain, Potter ? » He didn't think he'd ever seen Lily mischievous before, unless she was plotting revenge on him. He decided he liked it. Right when he stopped tripping all over the place, however, she let go of him, and he lost his footing and fell flat on his back, getting himself spattered with mud. Lily laughed so hard she couldn't talk.   
« Hey ! And I was just gettting my footing back too ! » It only made her laugh harder, as he sat up, trying to wipe his glasses of the grime. He couldn't help but laugh himself. He'd fall on his face a million times if it would make her laugh like that & she never seemed to laugh enough.   
After a moment, he gave up with his glasses, and stuck them on his face, though he could barely see through the mud, and stood up properly. Lily had gathered herself together by then, and was only giggling at intervals. Shaking her head at him, she snatched his glasses off his face, and cast a cleaning spell on them, then forced him to stay still while she put them back on. It took him a moment to realize that raindrops weren't sticking to the glasses and impeding his sight anymore. He blinked at her slightly dazed.   
« What did you do to them ? » She grinned at him.  
« Impervious Charm. » He gaped. If only she'd done that earlier, imagine all the trouble he could've been spared during Quidditch !   
« Do you have any idea how long I've been trying to do that ?! And you-in two seconds-" she rolled her eyes at him, but he couldn't stop smiling. Feeling daring and a little crazy, he lifted her up from the waist and twirled her around him.   
« You beautiful, amazing, crazy, girl! »   
« James ! Put me down ! » She said, laughing all the while. He set her down, grinning, and pulling her into a hug.  
He only meant for it to last a second, he really did & but he couldn't seem to let go & and when she rested her head against his shoulder, he really didn't want to move at all. He'd never forget that moment when she'd murmured, against his soaked shirt : 

"These seconds when I'm shaking   
leave me shuddering for days," she says.

« What seconds ? » Her silence spoke louder than words, and she clutched at his shirt for a moment, before hastily pulling out and pushing him away. In a wild, fearful moment, his eyes met hers, and she ran for the castle, hugging herself against the rain she'd embraced only moments ago. He stood there, in the rain, for a while before he was shaking so much his teeth chattered. He hurried inside then, jogging to the Common Room before Filch caught him, not daring to think too much about what had just happened. 

And I'm not ready for this sort of thing

~*~*~

But I'm not going to break and I'm not going to worry about it anymore

Sirius looked over the chess board lazily, moved his knight, and looked expectantly at Peter for a moment. Peter's fingers hovered over his bishop for a moment, before pulling his hand back. The Common Room was quiet, he, Peter and Remus were the only ones there. Others were either at the Library, working, or in the Great Hall, at some dueling class organized by one of the teachers. Sirius hadn't felt much like going. Come to that, there wasn't much he felt like doing these days at all. Peter and Remus had stayed with him in the Common Room, since both Lily and James were off somewhere. He couldn't help but wonder what she was up to & Remus, who was watching the game with half an eye while studying some Defense notes, noticed his preoccupation.   
« Sirius, if you want to talk to her so much, why don't you just check the map and go ? » Remus asked levelly. Sirius jumped, Peter looked at Sirius in an expectant manner. Peter looked at his bishop then shrugged.   
« James even made it easier for you by color coding her dot on the map in fourth year, remember ? I'll play Remus once he's done studying. Go on. » Sirius scowled.  
« I wasn't thinking about Lily. » 

I'm not going to bend, and I'm not going to break 

« We're not thick, Sirius. It's all you've been talking about lately. Now stop moping and go find her. You look like James. » Sirius looked curiously at Remus. That statement seemed to have clicked something in him, but he didn't know quite what. He thought it had something to do with him and Lily, and what he was supposed to do, but he couldn't figure out what. James... he looked like James... He looked like James did these days, moping around...  
« I don't. »  
« You do. » Peter affirmed, finally moving a pawn and taking his queen. Sirius looked back at the chessboard.   
« Did you just–"   
« Yeah, I just got your queen. »   
« Damn. »   
« She's not yours anyways, Sirius. » Remus said.  
« What ? »   
« Never mind, go find Lily. »   
« Remus, stop being cryptic. »  
« Stop being stubborn. »   
« I'm not being stubborn ! I pride myself on an open mind, and–" He was interrupted by Peter shoving him off his chair.   
« Go find her, you prat. » Scowling, he picked himself up, and stomped out the portrait hole. "She's not yours... what the hell is he babbling about?" 

and I'm not going to worry about it anymore

It didn't take him long to find Lily. She'd been heading for the Common Room. But she was soaked completely through, and she was shaking.   
« Lily ! What happened to you ! » He ran up to her, and hugged her tight. « Were you outside ? » He asked.   
« Yeah. I'm okay, just lemme breathe... » He hopped back, laughing a little nervously, slightly thrown off about how worried he really felt.   
« Sorry. » He pulled out his wand. « Here, I'll–"  
« No, it's okay. » She pulled out her wand, and cast the drying charm herself. She looked much better then, though her hair looked a little worse for wear, and she seemed a little sad.   
« You okay ? » He put an arm around her waist as then started walking back to the Common Room.   
« Yeah, I was just thinking...» 

It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."

« Ghost Train, » she gave the password to the Fat Lady, who nodded lazily and opened up.   
« About what ? » he asked, as he held his arm out for her to hold onto while she climbed through the portrait hole. He glanced at him for a moment, then whispered.   
« Us. » He didn't say anything for a while. He followed her to a couch near the fire, where she curled up. Remus and Peter weren't around, they seemed to have gone upstairs. He got a blanket for her, and she thanked him quietly.   
« And ? » He prompted her, his throat slightly dry. She didn't answer right away, he gaze fixed on the fire.   
« It's been four weeks. » He'd have to be daft not to catch the hidden meaning behind that. She knew this was when he normally broke up with his girlfriends. He opened his mouth to say something to her about how he felt, or something, anything– but it wouldn't come out.   
"I know." He murmured. She glanced at him, but didn't pursue the topic. They didn't say anything for a long time, and it took him a moment to realize she'd fallen asleep. She shivered, and he brought the blanket up over her shoulders. 

But it's not all that easy so maybe I should  
Snap her up in a butterfly net, pin her down on a photograph album  
I am not worried, I've done this sort of thing before

This was getting too complicated, too deep, too risky. Too painful. Was that what Remus had said? That she wasn't his? Maybe he should really break it off... It wasn't that much of a deal.

But then I start to think about the consequences  
Because I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...

But something tugged at his mind, pulling his eyes towards her, begging him to understand something. His eyes trailed to the portrait door, and he jumped out of his skin as he saw James standing there, completely immobile, his clothes dripping wet on the floor.   
"Prongs?" James looked over at Lily, asleep on the couch and back at him. It was then that Sirius started putting things together.   
"I'll just be going to change. See you." James headed for the dorm, but Sirius stopped him.   
"Drying Charms would probably work too."   
"Right." James cast the spell, and walked slowly back towards the fire, and sat down in a sofa chair across from Sirius. 

This time when kindness falls like rain  
It washes me away and Anna begins to change my mind

"What happened to you?"   
"I was outside when it started pouring." Sirius rose an eyebrow.   
"I don't suppose you ran into Lily did you?" James glanced at Lily, asleep still, her red hair glinting in the glow of the firelight. He swallowed.   
"Yeah...yeah, I told her to get inside before she caught cold." Sirius's eyes followed James over to Lily, and then back to him again. And then, it was as if everything had clicked into place all of a sudden.   
James still liked Lily.  
Oh fuck.   
Of course he did. How stupid could he have been? James had been chasing the girl for three years, and then came back to school saying he was completely over her? As if. He couldn't believe he hadn't seen it before. How thick could he be? This was his best friend. He looked back at Lily. And this was his girlfriend.   
Well, this just kept getting worse and worse. With a sigh, he looked over at James, who was staring listlessly into the fire. He remembered what he'd said to him the other day & about making an exception. About not hurting her.   
He had a sudden urge to strangle him for being so stupid. 

And every time she sneezes I believe it's love and

Then he glanced at Lily. If he did that... if he stepped aside for James...he'd have to give up Lily... The blanket had slipped down again, and she shivered. In a brotherly gesture, he tucked the blanket around her again. Giving her up sounded so final and awful that he couldn't bring himself to do it.   
So for once in his life, he restrained himself in order to think things over.   
"I'm going to the Kitchens for a snack. You'll stay here?" James snapped out of his reverie, and waved him away. He nodded and headed out the portrait hole. 

Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing

~*~*~

She's talking in her sleep  
It's keeping me awake and Anna begins to toss and turn

When Sirius left, he gazed at Lily for a long time, savoring a moment when he could just be with her, and not worry about anything. She made him forget to worry, made him forget that things might not work out as well as he wished. When the world was going insane with death and pureblood fanatics around every corner, she brought the contrast, put everything into perspective for him. She said beautiful quirky things that made him think things over before acting, and she made him question every thing he did. She made him a better man, and he didn't want to think about not having her.   
And somehow, that was what might be awaiting him, because Sirius was falling under her spell too. It hurt him more than he thought anything could, and he found it hard to believe that anyone could love her as much as he did. She murmured something in her sleep, and his breath caught in his throat.   
No one could love her as much as he did. 

And every word is nonsense but I understand and...

She murmured something again, about butterfly nets and words without meaning. She frowned in her sleep, and somehow he understood. He wanted that love too. With a hesitant hand, he leaned over to wake her from her dream. 

Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing

~*~*~

Her kindness bangs a gong

Lily and James. Had a nice ring to it.   
He had to stop thinking like this.   
He took a few deep breaths, and leaned against the stone castle wall for a moment to think.   
Did he really like Lily that much? He thought of all the moments they'd spent together, of dragging her to Hogsmeade at midnight and playing chess against her and losing every time on purpose. He remembered all the times he'd told off some snide Slytherin in her defense, and of getting righteously angry when she would just wave off all the comments against her heritage.   
He straightened as he heard someone coming down the hall.   
"Esther, I keep telling you to stay away from that prat, he's an idiot, you know that–"   
"Oh, stop worrying about me. You're being overprotective!"   
"I'm not overprotective! I'm just concerned!"   
"Look, when Dad told you to look after me he didn't mean for you to hound me–"  
"Well, excuse me for caring." The little girl, who was obviously the boy's younger sister, was flushed with anger. She looked like Lily did that day she'd told him off for defending her from one of Snape's comments. She'd told him he was acting like James used to.   
They nodded to him as they went by and continued arguing. He stared at the siblings even as they rounded the corner and out of sight.   
He remembered thinking of the word "brotherly" as he'd tucked the blanket around her shoulders.

It's moving me along and Anna begins to fade away

Suddenly, he knew what to do. He knew what it was he'd been looking for. Lily, he did love her. She was like a sister to him. He could talk to her about anything and everything, or just have a good time with her, but James... James was the one who needed her. And she loved him too, he knew she did. Hadn't he seen them talking a hundred times since the beginning of the year? And hadn't he seen her casting curious looks at James?   
Hadn't she just spent the afternoon with James, somewhere outside in the rain, and hadn't told him about it? 

It's chasing me away...

He set off for the Common Room again at a dead run. He had to tell them. He had to fix this before it was too late, before James was stupid enough to give up...  
He yelled the password and then practically soared through the portrait hole, landing with a thump on the rug by the fireplace. He jumped up, and was faced with a very perplexed James, who was standing, hands in his pockets in front of the fire, and a curious Lily, who was sitting on the couch still.  
"You!" He gasped at James. "You idiot!" James stared at him.   
"Why the hell didn't you tell me, you prat! BAH!" Feeling crazy and purposeful all at once, he turned to Lily, and collapsed onto his knees in front of her.   
"Lily, Lily, Lily." He started, trying to find the words.   
"Sirius?" she gave him a bewildered look.   
"Lily, I love like a sister, I really do. And I don't care what it takes, I always want us to be friends. But, I know you're seeing it now too, I'm not for you. You know what I mean, right?" Lily's face had gone slightly pale, and she was silent for a moment, looking from him to the fire, to James, who seemed to be working very hard at keeping is eyes on the fireplace. She looked back at him and her mouth broke into a thin smile. She hugged him.   
"I know, I know..." she murmured. When he pulled away, he gave her a small kiss on the forehead.   
"Love ya lots, sis." 

And she disappears and  
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing

Then he got up, clapped James on the back (he looked like he needed it), and strolled towards the dorms, telling himself not to look back. Well, he did, just once, and he saw James snatch a glance at Lily that convinced him that he was right. He'd have to make a bet with Peter, he was down 3 sickles since their last bet. Yes, give it a week, tops, and those two would be dating. 

"Seven days," was all she wrote...

 

NB. "Coeur qui soupire n'a pas ce qu'il désire." French proverb. Translates to: Heart that sighs has not what he desires. 

 

_  
_


End file.
